Last June 30th, three years ago, my mom passed away. She had been sick for a long time, had undergone 4 major surgeries to remove all kinds of tumors growing inside her body and had gone through 2 chemotherapy treatments. She was a champion. She was always happy. I swear she did not look sick until the week she died. Her wake was so full of people, it was insane, from 5 pm to 2 in the morning people just kept coming and coming. The day she passed was so surreal for me. She literally died in my arms. We were at home, no nurses, no machines, this is how amazing she was. She was dying that day, and yet there she was, having an Ensure stick “ice cream” that my dad had made for her, in her bed and just wanting me to help her up to wash her face and teeth to “get it together” -according to her words- . As I was helping her up she started passing. This was quite traumatic for a while, I kept having all these questions, “was she conscious?”, “was she in pain?”, “could she see me crying, calling the ambulance?”, “was it my fault?” I seriously thought for the first hours after she was gone, that the fact that I tried to help her stand up when she was so weak, had been the cause of her death. The ambulance people tried to reassure me, then the palliative care people (yes, I had to call them, I had to ask them several questions to try to understand what had happened), then the pathologist. I finally understood it had not been my fault, when he told us, after the autopsy, that all her organs had basically “collapsed”. It was time for her to go. She was dying for who knows how long and she looked so great that she just had us all fooled. She was a champion and I miss her so deeply. She didn’t get to be at my wedding and oh boy, did she dream about seeing that. When I used to tell her “mom, I just don’t know if I’m meant to get married”, she would say: “don’t worry, I got it!” and she would point up, meaning, she was praying for my husband. I’m not a religious person, but I’m definitely spiritual. To this day I like to think that my husband is the answer to my mom’s prayers. I had met him roughly ten days before she passed. I had not told her about him yet, even thought I could already feel there was something really special about “this guy”. I would usually confide in her everything right away but this time, feeling that “this guy” was something else, I wanted to wait and tell her when I was completely sure that it was “for real”. She would have loved him so much. I can just picture her hugging him and spoiling him with food (that was her way of saying I love you…making sure you were never hungry! :) ) So many things happen all the time when I just feel that urge to grab the phone and tell her about it. So many times I just think “oh, mom would love to see this!” and then just feel that thing in my heart because I can’t call her anymore… I miss her so. I miss her more every day that goes by (if you have lost someone really close to you, you understand what I’m talking about, you learn to “tolerate” their absence, but everyday that passes, is one more accumulated day without seeing them!! it’s so exasperating and painful!). I used to dream about her often and in my dreams, I always felt like if I had been given another chance to be with her one more time, but I always had the realization, while dreaming, that she was not alive anymore, and that she was just going to be gone again any second. One time I think I even got mad at her during a dream. I think I told her that I loved to see her very much, but knowing that she was not “really” there, was just too painful. I think I actually told her “I don’t want to dream about you anymore”. Ouch. I’m so glad she didn’t listen to me. She was in my dreams again, a couple of nights ago. I just wish I could get that annoying realization off my head and just enjoy the times I still have with her in my dreams.